Tag Archives: emotions

Anger Management

I can be a *tad* moody sometimes. (Read: I have been known to scream in a Basil Fawlty-esque manner and kick inanimate objects over what might seem minor irritations to more zen-like beings.) Not all the time, but some times. And it’s never nice. Not for me or for those around me.

The problem is that once you find yourself in that wound up state it’s very hard to get yourself out of it. At least that’s my experience. And the truth is that the kicking and screaming doesn’t help. You think it will be a release, and it may be for a micro-second, but then the anger bounces back and winds you even tighter.

Tonight I found myself escalating into one such mood. I caught myself tossing toys into their boxes with increasing force as I tidied up the play room. I was snappy and belligerent with my other half. I made more noise doing the dishes than a jumbo jet on take off.

Luckily for me my other half isn’t one to let me get away with it. He challenged me to explain my mood. I couldn’t at first. I really didn’t know why I was feeling so goddamned grumpy but I was. As he probed further and I got rattier, eventually it sprang to the surface. I was actually feeling hurt and left out by a friend. I blurted out my grievances in a rush, surprising even myself with the source. I cried a little. (Well, quite a lot actually.)

I got it off my chest. And then I felt better.

The key is finding the source. Generally speaking it’s not actually the thing at which we are throwing the shoe and mostly it’s not even the person at whom we are snapping. More often than not it’s some hurt within ourselves. Looking in and asking the question can really take the wind out of the gale of anger that is blowing.

Once my brave other half had helped me to identify the source he went so far as to propose a solution. If I’m feeling left out then I need to make the effort to reach out. Instead of feeling angry with people for not calling me or including me in their plans I need to be the one making the calls and the plans. Taking control of my life and my moods.

Simples eh? Like all the best things in life, it’s magnificent simplicity and profound complexity all rolled into one. Now there’s something to meditate on.

 

A Sign

Is this the sign I asked for, Universe? It certainly feels like a powerful sign, even though it’s not something I would have knowingly requested.

I am so angry right now. Fuming. And as Public Image Limited so rightly sang (yelled?) all those years ago: anger is an energy. And boy do I feel energized right now. And like yelling.

I will have to act on it because my body and mind have united to force me into action. I am literally shaking with adrenalin. Sleep will not come easy tonight, although perhaps more so after typing this out. With each word released on the tiny screen of my smartphone (I’m that desperate to blog that I’m doing it one fingered on my phone!) I can feel my anger drain and my body and mind settle.

But that is not to deny my anger or its validity. It is just to say that by expressing it I am releasing its power.

I have genuinely been wronged, and my partner even more so, by a xenophobic, small minded, lazy, control freak idiot. His actions and attitude I can only describe as unbelievable.

My fear is that they are likely symptomatic of the culture he was born into. The culture I now live in.

As I wrestle with the question of whether I should continue to live here, to raise my son here; for a countryman of this place to behave in this way to me and my partner cannot help but feel like a sign.

Maybe it’s time to go.